Her Sun
by Moluvsnumber17
Summary: It would be very easy. There would be no need for explanations tonight. But could I do it? Could I betray my absent heart to save my pathetic life?


Her Sun

**Description- What if Alice never saw Bella jump off of that cliff, and therefore never came back to Forks? Set during New Moon.**

**Disclaimer- The first bit is from New Moon by Stephenie Meyer, and of course all characters and existing story lines belong to her.**

**A/N- So this is my take on what might have happened had Alice not seen the cliff diving and never returned to Forks. I was re-reading the book recently and when I got to this part, my mind started wondering. So this is what I came up with. This story is probably not for die hard Edward/Bella fans (which I realize is most people who read the books but whatever). **

**------------------------**

Jake pressed his warm cheek against the top of my hair. If I turned to the side, if I pressed my lips against his bare shoulder…I knew without any doubt exactly what would follow. It would be very easy. There would be no need for explanations tonight. But could I do it? Could I betray my absent heart to save my pathetic life? Butterflies assaulted my stomach as I thought about turning my head. And then, as clearly as if I were in immediate danger, Edward's velvet voice whispered in my ear.

"Be happy," he told me.

I froze. Jacob felt me stiffen and released me automatically, reaching for the door.

"Wait," I said, unsure of what I would say next.

He halted his movements and looked back at me, one hand still on the handle. He was wearing a curious expression, as if he too were wondering what was on my mind.

"I…I'm sorry."

I wasn't sure why I felt the need to apologize to him. Maybe because of what I'd put him through. Maybe because of what I'd put everyone through. Because of me, more people would die. I was sure of it. Victoria would not stop until one of us was dead. Preferably her, but how could I hope for such good fortune? And of course I wanted Jacob as far away from her as possible. But if not the wolves, then who? There was no one else to stop her. No one else who cared enough to.

"You have nothing to be sorry for," he said in that husky voice I had grown to enjoy.

"But I do," I protested. "If it wasn't for me…"

He held up his hand to silence me. "Stop. Stop acting like this is somehow your fault. You're an innocent bystander."

I wasn't sure I agreed with either part of that statement. I was neither innocent nor just someone who happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. I had chosen to be with…Edward. I had chosen to spend time with his family; chosen to play baseball with them that day. And maybe it was an unlucky coincidence that the three vampires had wandered upon us, and that James decided to kill me, but if I had left well enough alone, never spoken to _him_ then none of this would have ever happened. Maybe we would all be better off.

I guess he could tell what I was thinking by the look on my face because he revised his words. "Okay, maybe that wasn't the best choice of words, but, Bella, you are not to blame for what the bloodsucker is doing. You're not making her kill anyone."

"But she's after me. All she wants is me. If we would just give her that…"

"No! Do not talk like that. We're not giving her anything. Except a free ride to hell," he said the last part more to himself.

I cringed slightly at the words. Hell. Was that where all vampires went?

"We're not going to let her hurt you, or Charlie, or anyone else if we can help it. I promise." He laid his hand on my arm.

I met his eyes and saw the sincerity in the words. They would do everything they could to keep Victoria away, but at what cost? What were they willing to sacrifice to save me, pathetic little Bella? I wondered how Emily felt about this and suddenly had a strong desire to see her, talk to her. Maybe she could help shed some light on the situation. If they would just let Victoria have me, all would be okay. It's not like my death would be avenged. The only problem with my plan was Charlie and Renee. They would be devastated I knew. And probably Jacob, too.

Jacob let out a sigh. "We should get you inside," he said. "You look like crap."

"Thanks," I muttered as we both got out of the truck.

"I'm just saying. You don't want to look like that when Charlie gets home. Do you really want to explain to him how you went cliff diving today?"

No, I definitely did not want that. Charlie would have enough to worry about with Harry. I suddenly felt awful for not only him, but Sue, Seth and Leah, too. They would need someone to be there for them. Someone who was more put together than myself, of course. I remembered what Billy had said about Charlie staying at the hospital. This family clearly meant a lot to him. I would have to find a way to get over my own shell of an existence and do something to help my father.

"You're life doesn't have to be like that," my brain reminded me. "Remember what he said."

Be happy. That's what the voice had said. It seemed like such an impossible task, but somehow, someway, I would try my best to do just that.

I opened the front door to my house and Jacob followed me inside. "There are no vampires here," he said. "Not one for miles at least."

That was comforting in one way. Victoria would not be after me tonight.

Jake stood awkwardly at the door for a minute and then pointed outside. "I guess I should get going."

"No!" The urgency in my voice did not go unnoticed by either one of us. "Stay. At least until Charlie gets home."

He seemed surprised by my request, but nodded.

"I'll just watch some TV while you…" he broke off, seemingly not really knowing how to finish the sentence.

"Make myself presentable."

He cracked a smile at that. "Or whatever."

I shook my head, letting a small smile of my own appear, and then headed up the stairs. A thought occurred to me while on the way to the bathroom. I would make dinner for Charlie. It would be the least I could do. I was sure he would be hungry when he got home.

I closed the bathroom door and leaned against it, closing my eyes, the smile now gone from my face. Would I ever be able to keep it there? Would there ever come a time when I wouldn't feel like part of me was missing? I doubted it. But I would have to do the best I could. I wasn't sure I would ever fully move on. How could I possibly do that? But I would learn to live like this, and learn to be slightly to moderately happy.

When I stepped into the shower, I let the water run over me. It was strangely refreshing considering I had almost drowned earlier in the day. A stupid thing, yes. What good would killing myself be? Not that that was what I was trying to do. The intention had not been to die, only to hear the sweet voice that I was sure my head had mangled. But it was all I had now. All I would ever have.

I thought then about the last thing the voice had told me.

_Be happy._

What did that mean? Was my subconscious trying to tell me that it was okay to take more comfort than I already had, in Jacob? He said he would never hurt me again. And he said he would always be there and would not give up on me. And hadn't he also said he was okay with me not feeling the same way that he did? So what harm would it be in taking him up on his offer; letting him do his best to heal me.

I was still afraid that his comforting presence would wear off. That one day he would not make me feel better anymore. My luck would run out. It always ran out.

And even if I did give in, if I let myself be with him, what if he too decided that he was better off without me? I didn't think I could handle any more loss.

The water in the shower was cold and I hadn't realized until now that I was shivering. I reached down and turned it to warm and after a moment, the shivering subsided. I almost laughed at the irony of the simple situation.

When I was sure I had been in the shower long enough to satisfy requirements, I grabbed a towel and opened the door. Downstairs it was dark, aside from the glow of the television. I made my way back into my room and put on some comfortable sweats and a t-shirt. I felt the need to look at myself in the mirror. I still wasn't anything fabulous to look at. My skin was still too pale for a human and my wet hair made me look something like a drowned rat. Though I looked less zombie-like than a month ago, I was still little more than a shell of the person I'd once been.

I glanced at the clock and realized that I needed to get dinner started because Charlie would be home soon. I gave myself one last look before heading downstairs. Jacob was lying on the couch, his legs hanging off of one end. He looked up as I entered the room.

"I think I'm going to make dinner for Charlie," I said.

He nodded, a solemn look on his face. I wondered what was going through his head, but thought better than to ask. I expected him to follow me, but he didn't. Instead he turned his gaze back to the television.

I finished cooking before Charlie arrived. I thought about eating something, but decided to wait on him. I half expected Jacob to be asleep when I entered the living room, but he wasn't. He was still just staring at the screen. I sat down beside him.

"What ya watching?" I asked, trying to raise his seemingly bad mood.

"Some soap opera," he replied. "You see, Heidi is in love with Vince, but Vince can't get over his ex Katherine, who apparently ran off to Paris with somebody named Phil, whose evil twin brother Frank killed the mayor."

I raised my eyebrows at him.

"What? There's nothing else on." He crossed his arms in front of his chest. "Besides, I feel for Heidi. Must suck loving someone who can't get over someone else."

It was like a punch to the stomach and he knew it. I suddenly felt like crying.

"Maybe you should go," I managed, as harsh as I could make it sound.

He looked slightly apologetic. "I'm sorry, Bells, I shouldn't have said that."

"Well, it's the truth isn't it?" I shot back.

"Maybe. But I still shouldn't have said it."

When I refused to look at him, he stood up and started pacing around. "You make me so crazy," he said in an exasperated voice. "And I'm trying to be patient and not push this, but I feel like I'm running in circles, Bella. At least give me something. I'm really fighting for you here."

"I never told you to fight for me." In no way, shape or form. Not Victoria and not…people who weren't even around anymore.

"No, I suppose not." He paused, thinking. "And that didn't matter to me. It still doesn't. I just wish you would _try_ to feel better."

"I am trying," I said forcefully.

"No you're not. I almost don't think you even want to."

I wanted to argue with that, but part of me knew that was true. I didn't want to heal because that would mean leaving Edward and the rest of the Cullen's behind.

"_Be happy, Bella."_

The voice slightly startled me. Just like before, I hadn't been expecting it.

"I don't know what to do," Jacob was saying. "Tell me what you want me to do."

"I…" But couldn't answer because the words were fresh on my mind. I still wasn't sure what that meant. Be happy. Did that mean that he wanted me to try to get better, to move on? And if so, was I to start right now? Again I wondered how I was going to be able to do that. How do you let go of something that has completely overtaken your entire existence?

Jacob sat back down on the couch, looking defeated. "I'll stay until Charlie gets home."

I looked at him, realizing that I had been caught up in my thoughts and practically ignored his question.

"I don't know," I said, honestly.

"What?"

"I don't know what I want you to do." How else could I express what I was feeling? I was conflicted.

He reached over and put his hand over mine. "It's okay. I guess I shouldn't really expect you to know exactly what you want. You are a girl."

I lightly punched him on the arm and he laughed.

"Hey, I'm just stating a proven fact."

"Okay, but just so you know you're losing at least three years for being sexist," I told him.

"What! I am not being sexist. And if we're going there," he said, remembering our game, "then you lost like fifteen years for jumping off that cliff."

"I think I should have gained years for that. It took courage." 'Or stupidity,' I thought to myself.

"You may have a point. I've never even jumped off of that one."

"Oh, who's losing years now? That has to be a deduction of twenty for being outdone by someone who never knows what she wants."

"You're making me like two years old," he protested.

"If the shoe fits."

"At least I can change a tire."

I couldn't help but laugh as I turned my gaze on him. Despite his new, much larger, size, he reminded me now of the Jacob that had helped me fix my bikes, the Jacob that always had a smile on his face; my Jacob.

I got that slightly uneasy, butterfly feeling again. We were sitting close together on the couch, arm to arm, leg to leg. And now that we were facing each other, I could feel his hot breath on my cheek. I swallowed as his face changed from joy to something else; something resembling desire.

Jacob started to leaned towards me and I knew that this was it. Whether I was ready or not. I had taken it too far to turn back now. I closed my eyes and prepared myself for whatever came next. What's the worst that could happen? _"That you feel nothing,"_ my brain screamed. What if I felt nothing and he felt something? Would I let it continue, knowing that it was what he wanted, or would I stop it and tell him the truth? The prospect of having to do that terrified me. I couldn't lose the only person that made sense in my life.

I could feel my heart beat faster and faster in anticipation and I started to wonder if the kiss would ever come. It seemed like forever since I'd closed my eyes, though I was sure that it had been no more than a few seconds. And then, as if my unspoken request that this be over with had been heard, his lips finally touched mine. At first I didn't move. I couldn't move. Because in the back of my mind I knew this had been the moment I had been dreading all along. Because I did not want to have to tell my best friend that my feelings for him would only ever be that of friendship.

But his lips started to move, and slowly but surely, mine moved with them. And then a realization hit me like a ton of bricks. I would not have to tell him anything. I would not have to explain that this could never happen again. Because, it seemed, that my worrying had all been for nothing.

I wrapped my arms around the back of his neck and pulled myself closer. He took this as a good sign and rested his warm hands on the small of my back.

No, I would not have to tell him any of those things because as our lips moved together, I realized that I did not want this to stop. It wasn't wrong like I had expected. In fact, it was the farthest thing from wrong. It felt…completely and totally right.

And in that moment, I understood the words. And letting go, at least for now, seemed like an attainable goal. And more than that, like something that I wanted to do.

And slowly but surely, I felt the burning edges of that hole inside of me start to disappear.

THE END


End file.
